Would you like to shake hands with my elephant?

June 21, 2011 § Leave a comment

Whole Foods Parking Lot Remix

June 20, 2011 § Leave a comment

I wrote this for my buddy G-Spot (a nickname I made up for her just for this very occasion). Get your best white-boy-rap-voice ready. Set your mind right. Go:

YO MAN
YO I KNOW YOU SEE ME HERE DUDE
I’VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES MAN
NO, NO, NO, NO
THIS IS MY PARKING SPACE MAN
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS PUT YOUR LITTLE HYBRID IN REVERSE AND GO OUT THE WAY YOU CAME IN
WHAT?
YO I’M BOUT TO GET LAID IN THE WHOLE FOODS PARKING LOT MAN

I’M GETTIN’ LAID IN THE WHOLE FOODS PARKING LOT.
I GOT MY FANCY BRA AND YOU KNOW I LIKE TO FUCK A LOT.
I’M ON MY GRIND HOMIE,
IT’S ON MY MIND HOMIE.
THIS DUDE WITH HIS LIP PIERCED IS LOOKIN’ AT ME LIKE HE WANT ME

I’M GETTIN’ LAID IN THE WHOLE FOODS PARKING LOT.
YOU KNOW THE DEAL WITH THIS HOT BOD I GOT
CHECK OUT HOW I PLAY
IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY
IT’S HOW WE BANG ON NORTH SIDE OF CHI CITAY.

I’M RIDIN’ SLOW IN THIS HEAT, IT’S, ALL SWEATY, HINTIN’ CLIMATE CHANGE.
EVERYBODY’S TRYNNA FUCK
YOU CAN FEEL THE TENSION
I’M IN MATING MODE,
CAN’T EVEN CALM THE BURNIN’
JUST THEN I SAW A TATTED DUDE WALK UP
MY TIMINGS PERFECT
I’M CREEPIN’ UP
THEN THIS OTHER DUDE TRY TO PUT IT IN GOIN’ THE WRONG WAY
YO MAN, PUT YOUR DONG AWAY!

I’M GETTIN’ LAID IN THE WHOLE FOODS PARKING LOT
I GOT MY POON AND YOU KNOW IT ALWAYS LIKES IT HOT
I’M ON MY GRIND HOMIE
IT’S ON MY MIND HOMIE
THESE DUDES WITH FLANNEL ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THEY WANT ME
I’M GETTIN’ LAID IN THE WHOLE FOODS PARKING LOT
YOU KNOW THE DEAL WITH THIS HOT BOD I GOT

CHECK OUT WHAT I SAY
IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY
IT’S HOW WE LIVE ON THE NORTH SIDE OF CHI CITAY.

thanks for playin’.

Our office, sometimes

June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

We work in the same office, but don’t work for the same company. I have to walk past your desk to get to the bathroom and the kitchen and all sorts of other places I go to get away from my desk for a few minutes.

You’re not in the office every day, but when you are, it makes those walks a little more exciting.

Once, I saw you leaving Clarks on Belmont at two in the morning. You were wearing a sailor’s hat. I hadn’t realized how cute you were at that point, so I just laughed at you and at the coincidence from my table.

A month or two later we talked at the copy machine – quite awkwardly, of course. That’s when I noticed how cute you are. I often find myself wanting to talk to you again, but this time in hurried, breathless whispers.

One day last week you got up to pick something up from the printer just in time for me to spend a wonderful little moment staring at your backside. As I squished past the narrow space between you and the file cabinet, I couldn’t help but think about the hundreds of stairwells in our building and how empty most of them probably were at that very moment.

I never know what to say to you, and our lofty office never seems like the right place anyway. Perhaps you get excited when I walk by too, and perhaps we can think of something to do about that. I have a few ideas. I wonder if you do as well.

Sitting on a bench

June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

I was sitting at the bus stop, eating some Miko’s Italian Ice — passion fruit and pineapple — when a little Mexicano in a suit coat and ruffled button up rolls around the corner on a mountain bike and hollers “hey mami want a riiiiiide?”

With a giggle, I said “no thanks.”

He pulled up next to me and we laughed together for a bit.

“Hey, can I maybe get your number?”

“No, sorry.”

“Ok, I love you byyyyyye.”

But, butt, but

June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

“I love you but I can’t be with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you make me someone I don’t want to be. Because I make you someone you don’t want to be.”

“But I like the person I am when I’m with you.”

“You’re just scared.”

To this, he lowers his eyes; eyes filled with words he is too disappointed to say. As his head slowly follows, he lets out a light wimper. He lifts his head to reveal tears.

The tears are falling in slow motion, down one straight path from his lids to his stubble-stained chin. In that moment, time fades and the world is silent. All I can hear is the pain in my heart.

The sadness in his eyes is too much to bear.

As quick as it began, the moment was over. The world is buzzing again. He begins gasping for air and starts to sob — loud enough that the making-out couple next to us could hear. Then, I fall into the trap.

CTA Campaign

June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

The CTA should capitalize on the free publicity from Craigslist. Make riding the train a hot bed of sexuality – make it irresistibly suspenseful. Every ride is an adventure, with people you may never see again. What if meeting people in a bar is replaced by meeting people on the train? It’s way safer and you can guess a lot more accurately about their personality than just what type of beer they like to drink. And you aren’t inebriated so you’re apt to be making a better decision.

Roll out the new ad campaign on Valentine’s day at the Belmont station. Decorate the whole train station as if it were a kitchy diner from the 80’s, the ones people would go to with their dates after proms before they went home nervous about whether or not to kiss their dates. Oozing with punch-drunk love. Then, at the platform, a Red Line train would be wrapped with the same outrageous symbols.

What’s in a text message?

June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

I read over our text messages and I know where it went wrong. I came on too strong – it was obvious I started thinking about you, wanting to hang out with you. I made it obvious that if I wasn’t hanging out with you, I was doing nothing, because every time you texted me I was able to hang out, but when I texted you, you were mysteriously busy. I was available to you, because I was waiting for you to save me from my boring life. But it’s not you I was waiting for, specifically, it was anyone. Anyone to distract me from the fact that I was bored because I was not trying to do anything interesting.

I was waiting for someone else, some outside factor to take control and guide me through their life – a life that is distinctly not my own. That way, I wouldn’t have to know myself well enough to ask myself what I really want, what really satisfies and completes me, separate from someone else or some outside factor — something that makes me absolutely comfortable and whole.

I’m scared of finding that comfort and whole-ness through someone else. That’s why I did those things. I wanted to squash any chance of you liking me so we could be friends without you thinking that I wanted to be your girlfriend. I didn’t want you to be scared to hang out with me because you thought I was only hanging out with you to get a boyfriend or have someone to sleep with. But most of all, I didn’t want to start liking you.

I don’t know what kissing you would be like, but I’m afraid to imagine it because I don’t know if I trust that you’re serious. One night you say you like me, then we don’t talk for a while and a couple weeks later you say you want to kiss me. When I read those text messages, they are cute and make me smile, but when I think about the way you say other things and that awkward situation I put us in, I’m not sure if you’re serious or just painfully trying to prove a point.

I really don’t want to be left looking like a fool here. I really don’t want to like you, but I can’t stop reading your text messages.

Where Am I?

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