What’s in a text message?
June 19, 2011 § Leave a comment
I read over our text messages and I know where it went wrong. I came on too strong – it was obvious I started thinking about you, wanting to hang out with you. I made it obvious that if I wasn’t hanging out with you, I was doing nothing, because every time you texted me I was able to hang out, but when I texted you, you were mysteriously busy. I was available to you, because I was waiting for you to save me from my boring life. But it’s not you I was waiting for, specifically, it was anyone. Anyone to distract me from the fact that I was bored because I was not trying to do anything interesting.
I was waiting for someone else, some outside factor to take control and guide me through their life – a life that is distinctly not my own. That way, I wouldn’t have to know myself well enough to ask myself what I really want, what really satisfies and completes me, separate from someone else or some outside factor — something that makes me absolutely comfortable and whole.
I’m scared of finding that comfort and whole-ness through someone else. That’s why I did those things. I wanted to squash any chance of you liking me so we could be friends without you thinking that I wanted to be your girlfriend. I didn’t want you to be scared to hang out with me because you thought I was only hanging out with you to get a boyfriend or have someone to sleep with. But most of all, I didn’t want to start liking you.
I don’t know what kissing you would be like, but I’m afraid to imagine it because I don’t know if I trust that you’re serious. One night you say you like me, then we don’t talk for a while and a couple weeks later you say you want to kiss me. When I read those text messages, they are cute and make me smile, but when I think about the way you say other things and that awkward situation I put us in, I’m not sure if you’re serious or just painfully trying to prove a point.
I really don’t want to be left looking like a fool here. I really don’t want to like you, but I can’t stop reading your text messages.